A Widow's Manifesto

A Widow's Manifesto

Being a widow is quite a gig.

Before Lee, my late husband, died, I sometimes wondered what life would be like if I ever had to live without him. I got some things right, especially the part about missing him so much.

Other things, though, I didn't even anticipate. One of them was how women would interpret my friendliness as flirtatiousness toward their husbands.

To make the situation even more difficult is that God made me to be an encourager. It's typical for me to encourage someone--whether male or female--in person or by snail or e-mail. I've found that, now I'm a widow, such encouragement isn't always welcome.

One day a wife's response toward me pained me so much that I cried. How could she think my encouragement toward her husband was flirting? (Ironically, I'd also encouraged her at the same time.) A day or two later, I told myself that I knew I wasn't flirting, God knew I wasn't flirting, and that was enough. I'd cry no more tears over such a situation--and I haven't.

Either way, here's the scoop. I'm not on the lookout for a husband. Even if I were, I can say one thing with absolute certainty--God definitely will not lead me to yours! True, there might be women (widowed or single) who are husband-hunting and are targeting your husband. But I'm not among them.

Does that mean I will or won't marry again? God knows, not I. I don't even know if I'll ever date. (For me, being widowed doesn't automatically mean I'm available.)

My attitude has long been that the world needs more friendliness, and I intend to do my part in contributing to it. God gave me my personality. Even though I'm now a widow, I'm not going to say no thanks to God and give it back!

Lee's words to me a few years before his death convince me even more that I've made the right decision. During a conversation about something or other, I told Lee that I was more comfortable talking with men than women.

(As background, I grew up a tomboy in a neighborhood overwhelmingly populated with boys. They consented to let me play ball with them because I was the one who owned a baseball bat, ball, and pitcher's glove. My dad had played baseball and taught me to pitch. I enjoyed playing the game, even though I was the only female player. I was still delighted, though, when a girl my age moved into the neighborhood when I was nine or ten. I played baseball with her brother. I played dolls with her.)

Lee didn't say much after I told him how I felt about being more comfortable talking with men. A day or two later, though, his response may surprise you as much as it did me. In so many words, Lee said, if he were me, he wouldn't be concerned because I communicated better with men than with women. Then he added, since that was the way I felt, I should spend more time talking with men!

Now that Lee has died, I've found that's a problem. Why? Because there's another thing I didn't anticipate. There are men (married and single) who also perceive my friendliness as flirtatiousness. It amazes me. But, again, I'm not going to change my personality because of false perceptions. I'll do the same thing I do when wives think I'm flirting with their husbands. I'll keep my distance.

Here's yet another side to this story.

There are married men who subtly, yet surely, have been attracted to me and come awfully close to being flirts themselves. Ladies, how do I feel if your husbands appear to forget that they're married? Frankly, I'm disgusted. Your husbands should love and respect you. I welcome their friendliness. I don't welcome their inappropriate attention.

I can only imagine how you feel if your husband is a flirt. Lee was not. I was never concerned when we were apart for him to attend conventions. At one convention, one of Lee's male colleagues even said to Lee that he was there at the convention, but his mind was still at home.

And that's the way I was with Lee when I had to be away. We were faithful to each other. Always.

Unfortunately, I'm also finding that single guys also sometimes think I'm flirting. They seem to think I'm trying to get them to put a ring on my finger (i.e., a wedding band). Nope, guys, I'm not flirting with you. I'm just being friendly. I subscribe to the idea that a person can't have too many friends. So, I'm offering you the opportunity for us to be friends. It's your decision whether or not you accept the offer.

Now, with all of this talk about flirting, I have a confession to make. I did flirt. Once.

Lee and I met in college. We dated for quite a while, long enough to know we loved each other and had voiced how we felt.

Then summer ended and fall semester began. We had only been back in college a day or two when Lee broke up with me. Saying I was devastated doesn't even come close to describing how I felt. I trusted Lee when he said he loved me. And although we weren't much more than kids when we did fall in love, I expected him to mean what he said.

A week later, Lee asked me out again. I accepted. At the same time, I wanted him to know that just because I was going out with him didn't mean that I was going to make his life easy.

When it was time for refreshments, I saw one of Lee's friends at the other side of the table. I spoke to Lee's friend by name and flirted outrageously with him. (The poor guy didn't know what to do. Every time I've thought about it since then, I still feel a bit sorry for him.)

I'll admit it. I don't do just a good job at flirting. I did a great job of it. I'm talking Academy Award, Oscar on my shelf, great.

Lee was furious. When we returned to our seats, his words were, "You can flirt on your own time!"

But I never did. And I'm not about to start now.

Since Lee's death, I've done a lot of thinking about how my life has changed. One thing I've concluded is:

It's my life.
Someone has to live it.
So, it might as well be me.

Yes, I will live my life. Without flirting. Finding joy in each day with the personality God gave me. And thanking God and rejoicing that I was married to a husband who loved and adored me. I cherish the legacy!

Relationships between men and women are complicated enough as it is. But when one becomes a widow, she finds such relationships go from complicated to entangled. Entanglements multiply even more when wives think widows are flirting with their husbands.

Vicki Snyder is a prolific author who writes about Christian women setting and achieving goals from her blog, http://www.asdarlingasadaisy.com.

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Now Widowed? Finding a New Way to Define Yourself

Now Widowed

Widow, what a strange word! I can't tell you how many people have said to me, "You need to find a new word to describe who you are". Who I am? Does the word widow describe who we are or is that the hand that we have been dealt?

I searched the web, of course, and came up with some interesting definitions for widow as a noun:
1. a woman who has lost her husband by death and has not remarried
2. a short last line of a paragraph, especially one less than half of the full measure
3. Cards, an additional hand or part of a hand, as one dealt to the table.
4. Statistically a five letter word that starts with "W"

Used as a verb: to deprive of something greatly valued or needed

So to recap, we have lost our husbands, we are now considered "less than half of the full measure," and yes, this is the hand we have been dealt and we have been deprived of something of the greatest value.

Rather than be trapped by old definitions, I believe we need to change what "widow" looks like to society. In the film Young Widow-Naked in the Memorial Playground, a documentary produced and directed by Elizabeth Titus, she interviews people on the street to ask what comes to mind when they hear the word widow. Some of the images were, (no surprises here) black veil, sadness, tissue in hand, old lady, old house, helpless, vulnerable and alone. Does this paint a picture of you? These adjectives do not describe the powerful women I have met,. The women I know are full of courage and dreams, not looking back but moving forward with wonderful memories of a life forever changed.

I don't believe widowhood is my "station" in life. It has been my journey and yes, I have moved on from having the tissue in hand. I have been the sad and alone widow but never considered myself vulnerable or helpless. Through this journey I have been empowered through my grief, grown through new relationships, clarified my life goals and truly experience joy every day while holding on to happy memories, and I know you too can have this journey.

The widowed woman of today is the woman who has lost her husband but she is not half of a whole and does not continue to just live with the hand she has been dealt. She is a powerful force, a tower of strength and an example to her children and society. We join together in support groups to grieve and to remember where
we were and celebrate how far we've come.

We may not be able to conjure up a new word to describe the loss of our spouse, but we can awaken society to our grief and our needs as we move through the loss process, going about our new lives without wearing our "widowhood" on our sleeves. We are a force to be dealt with now, we are survivors and we will grieve our loss in our own way wearing our bright reds and yellows and never donning "widows weeds".

Audrey Pellicano R.N., M.S. is a Health Counselor to Widowed Women helping them to create a new role for them selves and face the world without pain. Schedule your free "Moving Forward Consultation" by visiting http://www.audreypellicano.com.

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Get Your Ex Back - Dos and Don'ts

Get Your Ex Back 

If you want to get your ex back there are a few things that you need to recognize and be aware of if you want to make certain that the process of getting your ex back is a success. Doing the things that you must to do, and steering clear of the things that you need to avoid doing, will help to make sure of that. Here are a few ideas that you can use to help you to get your ex back.

Do Take Your Time

Recovering from a break up and getting back together can take some time so be patient. Both your ex and you need the opportunity to think about the reasons why you broke up in the first place and to get over the hurt that was caused. There may be concerns which still need to be addressed before you can even consider starting the process of getting back together.

Do Talk To Each Other

This seems obvious, but be sure to talk to each other about those issues which may have caused your break up in the first place. Discuss how you feel about the problems and any possible solutions. Make sure that you each have an equal opportunity to speak freely and frankly about any aspects of your relationship or getting back together which are bothering you. Bringing everything out in the open is the only way that you will ever be able to resume your relationship.

Don't Play on Your Ex's Emotions

Do not try to outsmart your ex by playing on their emotions. Do not try to make them jealous by going out with someone else; they will probably just retaliate and the whole plan will spiral out of control. Do not try to get even if they hurt your feelings; two wrongs don't make a right. Try to avoid emotional outbursts or provoking emotional outbursts from your ex; just deal with the questions and concerns which you both have.
Don't Treat Your Ex as Though You are Still Together

Remember, you now have a totally different relationship with your ex. You no longer have any rights with them; you can't tell them what to do or what to wear or who they can see so don't even try. Don't try to push your ex into getting back together or dating. They have to be ready and to want to see you again so don't try to hurry them into making a decision about whether it's right for the two of you to get back together.
Do Be Sincere

Make sure that you really do want to get back together and be sincere when expressing your feelings to your ex. Examine your motives for wanting to resume your relationship and make sure they're not shallow reasons like having someone to go out for dinner with or even worse, having someone to cook your dinner. Surely, you don't want to go through all this again; the breaking up and the hurt.

If you want to get your ex back without too much trouble then follow these tips and check out more excellent advice at Ways to Save Your Relationship.

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Dating Advice for Dating a Widow

Dating Advice for Dating a Widow

Yes. This is possible. There are a lot of widows out there who might not be looking for love, but are currently being wooed, or widows who themselves want to start dating again.

So, here are some dating advices for dating a widow.

First, remember to start slow. Even if you think that a widow seems to be interested in you, please keep in mind that they have just lost someone. Yes, it is possible that she might be interested in you. But going too far too fast would never lead into anything good in this scenario. You can just start as friends and see where it will go from there. The interest you think you see might just be a way for her to get some companionship. Anyway, good relationships almost always spring from great friendships. So, either way, you will have nothing to lose but a whole lot to gain.

Second, take time to court. It may sound old school, but there are people who would rather receive a handwritten letter over an email. If you really want to get to know someone and take them seriously, then show them you are serious. Take time and slow down. A widow is going through a tough time; it would not be a good idea to jump into it at once. Doing so will only make it hard for both of you.

Third, don't let her take her previous partner's pictures down. Yes, it may bother you that you often see her dead husband's pictures on the wall. But you have to remember that they are no longer together not because of divorce. They don't hate each other, they loved each other! There is definitely nothing wrong with having a loved one's picture in the house. Asking to remove them would be disrespectful and rude, especially if the person has children. Just think of it as, that dead person is one of the reasons why you like the person you are with right now.

Fourth, stop competing with a ghost. You can expect her to say his name every once in a while. It is quite normal. If you lost someone, would you be able to forget them completely? I doubt it. So, don't expect her to do the same. For what it's worth, all this can be taken as a sign that she is someone who can deeply love a person with all her heart. All the more reason why you should be careful not to hurt her any more than she already is. A dead person will only stay in the picture, but he will never come back to life. So, stop competing with a ghost, help her cope instead.

These are only a few of the things to take note of when dating a widow. In time, you can learn a lot and add more on this with experience.

Want to learn more? Here is some dating advice for men on how to flirt with women.

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Zen + Sex = Starting Over?

Zen + Sex = Starting Over?

Ready To Get Back Out There? 3 Must Knows

Men and women have to redefine themselves after a relationship ends, and reinvent their lives. If they do it well, it can lead to the most satisfying and successful years they've had. Dating successfully after divorce or a breakup require several steps to recover from the breakup.

• Understanding what went wrong in the last relationship, so you don't repeat the pattern.
• Identifying the kind of partner you're looking for and developing social networks involving these kinds of people.

Some people never date again or don't do so for a long time. People who wait a long time, or never date are trying to avoid repeating old mistakes and having hurt feelings, loss, disappointment and grief. This is akin to not changing anything in your departed partner's closet, because you don't want to face the pain. A better way to do it is to work through the pain, and learn from it as you go. You can figure out what went wrong, what your mistakes were, and how to correct all that and re-think your idea of relationships. This may require the help of a therapist.

Once you've taken the steps needed to recover from a breakup, finding a new love is simple, because you've changed the odds to be in your favor. But there are a few tips to help you as you start dating again.

1. Don't have sex right away with your new partner.

Keep in mind that, if you have sex right away, it usually brands the relationship as sex -only and you don't get taken seriously. So, if you want to see if you can manage it, pick someone you're attracted to, but realize there's no relationship there. Also, if you are the type who bonds upon having sex, keep that in mind -- your partner may not be, so make sure there's some bonding there before you try it.

2. Take precautions when you do have sex.

Safer sex, of course. If you're female, don't just worry about pregnancy -- make sure you're informed about disease, as well. Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STDs) can be deadly and devastating, so always provide a condom and insist on using it unless you're both tested and in a committed relationship (with someone you can trust).

3. Deal with the awkwardness of sex with a new partner.

I recommend the zen idea of a beginner's mind: Accept that everything you're doing now is new to you, and open yourself to learning about it. Wide-eyed wonder at whatever happens is very attractive. I'm not talking about being brainless or thoughtless. On the contrary. A beginner's mind is alert, observing, and open to new ideas. Your objective is to learn - about what people are doing, who they are, what the possibilities are and how it all fits in to your goals.

Everything you've learned about relationships and dating in your past is certainly useful, and you'll draw on it as we go along, but your general approach to this process is as a beginner -- 'I'm new at this, I want to learn.' Because you are a beginner, you can open lots of conversations by simply asking questions about what's going on.

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Stay Home Date Night Idea - Mystery Meal Surprise

Date Night Idea

My husband and I are in the third chapter in our lives. With our daughter off to college, out-of-state, and our out-of-control wild and crazy days a fun memory about which we still like to reminisce, we often find ourselves climbing into our comfortable clothes on Friday and Saturday nights and sitting in our predesignated spots on the couch.

The conversation sounds something like this, "What do you want to watch tonight? I don't think The Big Bang Theory is on." and, his typical reply, "Well what do we have on Tivo? I think most of these are reruns".

Sitting around staring at each other on Friday and Saturday nights has become pretty commonplace for my husband and I in the last few years. With our crazy schedules and lack of energy after dealing with problems all week, we both agree (most of the time) that the last thing we want to do is get all dressed up and go out. Now, just because we are in our third chapter does not mean we don't enjoy each others company and like to have fun.

Quality time is still very important to us, so we try to find ways not to fall into the what's-on-TV-tonight humdrum existence. If we sound a lot like you and you are planning on staying in this weekend and need a quick and easy, unplanned date-night or are a newly dating couple and looking for a creative idea, you might consider making a Mystery Meal.

A Mystery Meal is pretty easy to prepare for and you will have absolutely no idea how it will turn out! The game is set when both people individually pick up five items to be used in preparing what's for a dinner. No cheating and telling each other what you are buying. You can go together to the grocery store, but use separate check out lanes and no peeking into each other's baskets! Then, the object is to get together and prepare a meal out of the ingredients you buy and ONLY what you buy. Sure, you can use your spices and condiments, but nothing else.

Don't set boundaries like, "you get the vegetables or let's make a chicken dish" each person picks 5 random items they want and that way you never can tell what you will end up with. Make sure you take plenty of fun pictures as you build your creation. So, you end up with only enough ingredients to make two desserts? Oh well, that would work in my house.

I hope you enjoyed our spin on cooking together and your recipe turns out amazing! For more creative activity tips, unique travel ideas, family fun, or if you would like to just share your photo of the meal you created with us, please visit us at http://www.themetrip.com.

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Ten Things Every New Widow Should Know- to Survive

When you suddenly find yourself without your life partner, you don't know what to expect. Your world's been turned upside down. Like the mighty oak caught in a fierce wind, you feel uprooted. Your feet don't touch the ground. You think you're crazy. But you're not. You're just a new widow. Your husband is dead and your life is forever changed.

Learning to expect the unexpected will help you get through this most painful time in your life. Here are 10 things you need to know if you are to survive.

1. Expect people to say stupid things. "Don't worry, you're young, you'll meet someone new." No matter your age, this will sting like a hot iron on raw flesh. Your mind is on your husband and preserving His memory. The thought of another man in your life too soon after His death may cause you additional pain.

"I'm sorry for your loss." If there is a "loss"? This makes you wonder where is found? For the new widow, there is no found.

"He would want you to find a new man." Hmmm... On this one, this writer takes umbrage. Nobody can tell you what He wanted, except you, nor, should they.

"I understand. I'm divorced." Not. Divorce is different than death. Though a divorced individual may wish her ex to not be here, it just isn't the same thing. While divorce can be painful, and having experienced one personally, the death of a soul mate is different, as this writer will attest, there is no connection.

2. Expect to be asked out--by your best friend's husband.

3. Expect to be asked, "Do you masturbate?" by your best friend.

4. Expect to break down in tears when you least expect it--at the sound of the doorbell, at the sound of the telephone, at the sight of a couple walking hand in hand. All too soon the reality of being without Him sets in and it will take time for you to let go of your past. But you will.

5. Expect to begin each day wondering how you made it though the day before. And end it thinking you just can't do it any more.

6. Expect to feel weak, strong, suicidal, angry, happy, euphoric, glad, sad, guilty, alone, lonely, trapped, free, tired, bored, overworked, overwhelmed, silly, puzzled, like you don't belong.

Why not? You have just experienced life at its worst. I'm here to tell you, everything will be okay. Think baby steps. Think, I can and think, I will.

7. Expect all your friends to run away. They're frightened, too. And they just don't know how to handle your grief. Seeing you dealing with the death of someone near and dear is just too close for comfort.

8. Expect all your friends to come back. Give them time. The real ones do.

9. Expect to find yourself standing in front of an open refrigerator at 3:00 in the morning studying the expiration date on a bottle of ketchup. Give yourself permission to process your grief any way you need to.

10. Expect to laugh when the dog pees on the living room rug, when the garage door falls off its hinges, when the refrigerator makes a puddle on the kitchen floor, and when the woman next door goes out on a date--with the woman down the street. Your life is forever changed and so is your outlook. In the big picture, these things become minuscule.

11. Expect to wish you were dead.

12. Expect to blame yourself for His death.

13. Expect to ask yourself questions that have no answers. What if? Why me? Why couldn't I have died first?

14. Expect to make plans to run away.

15. Expect to cancel them, because you realize there is no place to run away to.

16. Expect to kiss a fool.

17. Expect to feel like you cheated. You didn't.

18. Expect to wish for a giant eraser to erase away all the pain.

19. Expect the pain to never end. It won't. But in time you will learn how to manage it. I promise.

20. Expect to smile when you feel like crying.

21. Expect to not sleep.

22. Expect to not focus.

23. Expect to not eat. In the beginning you won't be able to enjoy food. But it is important to drink plenty of fluids. If nothing else, drink water to keep your kidneys flush.

24. Expect to eat too much.

25. Expect to not be in the mood for all the things you once were in the mood for. Imagine. This writer didn't want to eat chocolate!

26. Expect the sun to come out tomorrow, the daffodils to sprout in spring, every bird on the planet to sing, every oak, elm, and cottonwood to shed its leaves in autumn, the moon to glow, the stars to twinkle, the earth to spin on its axis, and then to wonder why.

27. Expect no one to understand. Though they say, "I understand." They can't. They don't. They never will. Not even another widow. Grief is personal. It's just like a thumb print, no two alike. Expect to make mistakes.

28. Expect to forgive yourself.

Okay. That's it. And now I know what you're thinking - She's listed more than ten things.

But to make it through your grief, it's important to realize you are not alone. What you are feeling is normal. Being informed is being prepared. It will help you survive.

Expect the unexpected.

And, like the mighty oak caught in a fierce storm bending in the wind to keep from being uprooted, you will learn to accept your plight. You will learn to remain grounded, and eventually you will be able to turn your upside down world right side up again.

Linda Della Donna is a freelance writer and graduate of the Institute of Children's Literature. She writes for children, parents, adults, and widows. A student of Natalie Goldberg, author of "Writing Down the Bones," Linda writes the tough stuff--cancer, dying, death--and she writes it from the heart. In 1986, Linda entered a writing contest with The Reporter Dispatch. Based on a childhood memory, her short story, "The Year That Christmas Waited" took first prize--she's been writing ever since.

To learn more about Linda and her writing passion, visit her website, http://www.littleredmailbox.com and her blog, http://griefcase.blogspot.com

Linda wants new widows to know one thing: We're not alone.



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